A new book series I may start on Hunter

[Hunter]

Book 1:Links to a new future

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 1:A road of blood

An evil laugh pierced the night sky, the scent of blood filling the air. The bodies of men were scattered around, a dark figure standing above them. "That was entertaining..." rang out a dark voice, "But no more playing around. I believe it is time to take the prize," The figure, as you may have asked, was seventeen year old Hunter Kirizaki, the man who was possessed by a demon named Retnuh.

Retnuh was a greedy demon who had a bloodlust to match that of two hundred bats combined into one wicked demon of pure evil. Retnuh's past was clouded, for Hunter had never asked about it, yet he never could, for he was possessed.

Retnuh walked towards a large castle and chuckled to himself as his maroon red hair spiked up, his red eyes staring into the darkness. The figure's red skin burned as he stepped towards the building. The figure wore no shirt, only one green sash over his chest and a pair of dark green Hakama. His dark claws burned with a dark aura. "These people shall learn to fear the name RETNUH!!" cried

Hunter entered the Castle's hall. Men stood before him, wielding a variety of weapons to try and subdue him. "You have no chance." Hunter said, holding up his claws. "So surrender now or I'll rip your souls out." he said, cutting a nearby wooden pole in half. The men showed no fear and charged towards him, raising their weapons. Hunter laughed at this and in a minute had slain all of them.

A man's scream rang out through the building as Hunter entered the lord's throne room. "Lord Katsu, I have the honor of meeting you." he said, laughing. "Give me all of your riches or I will kill you." he said, raising up his claw. The lord, terrified, pointed to where his treasure was kept. Hunter smiled and walked away.
Hunter entered the room and took all the jewels he could carry before leaving. "Nice doing business with you, Katsu." he said, chuckling to himself. He ran out the building, carrying his newfound fortune. The Lord sat on his throne, crying at all his men who had been killed, and all the riches lost.

Retnuh, two hours later, stalked the halls of a house, following a man. He took out his claws and held them back as if to lunge. The man turned, but it was too late. Retnuh's claws teared through his throat and blood poured onto Retnuh's fingers as he laughed. "Blood! The sweet nectar of life! It fills me with a strong emotion when I see it spilled!" said he as he tore his claws out. The man fell to his knees and toppled over. Retnuh licked his claws clean of the blood and smiled. "I am the strongest demon alive." he said, not caring that anyone heard. "AND IT WILL ALWAYS BE THAT WAY!

THUMP!

Retnuh turned to see a figure walking out of the darkness. "You? The strongest demon? Don't make me laugh you living pile of dirt and bones. You could never surpass me." said the demon as he came out of the darkness.

The figure wore a black coat and had a mace in his hand. He had blonde hair that flowed down onto his shoulders, and his red eyes were underlined with black paint. He had a dark voice, but it wasn't anywhere near as dark as Retnuhs.

"You have to possess a body to survive." continued the figure. "You are no match for..." He was cut off as a claw went through his heart.

"No match, eh? Speak of the devil, it seems you were destined to die by my hand." Said Retnuh before walking away. The figure fell to the ground, his life ended, as Retnuh ran out the door into the courtyard where bodies lay all around.

I haven't started it up strong yet but I really think I should start up a series on Hunter. I'm going to incorperate some drawings but the series will still be aimed at less childish people, due to the intense violence.

This used to just be a small story that I made to explain Hunter's past, but I'm going to turn it into the starting off chapter for my book. Wadya think?

[murasakihato]

go for it! yeah!

[Hunter]

^_^ ty.

[Hunter]

why no, Soyoka?

[entonces]

That wasn't me, I didn't vote

[Hunter]

Poll Voters
Below is a list of all users who have voted in this poll.

Hato
Soyoka Akikaze
Micheal Kantiza

I can see the list.

[entonces]

Shut up xD
I think it'd be a good book idea, but your writing style is a bit repetitive.

[murasakihato]

Well, i do agree if you started out slower than that and brought it up to an excitable point, check out my Secound work in progress, the My castle one.

[Hunter]

Okay. Eh, I made it a bit ago, and when I made it I didn't plan any.

[murasakihato]

Well, the only advice i'd give is try reading it outloud to someone at home, it works wonders, Believe me!

[karasu]

I personally voted "no", but if you like the story, then what other people say shouldn't really matter. (Unless you're actually going to publish it for money...)

Rating a story isn't really helpful. It doesn't tell you where to improve, and one bad rating could mean, "It sucks. Give up kid." In other words, it's not that encouraging either.

Here's some constructive critisism on your writing:
1. There was some capitalization where it was unnecessary, and the story's and chapter's titles weren't capitialized.
2. Like Soyoka has mentioned, it is a bit repetitive such as using the names of your characters at the beginning of your paragraphs. I have also noticed the "the figure" sort of repetition too.
3. .... In other words, you could have been a little more in-depth with your story. It just sounds like a whole chapter of this Retnuh person killing people one by one.

Now for some constructive critisism on your art:
1. I don't see a neck, but that's probably the unusually long and pointy chin that's covering it.
2. The hair looks flat at the top, like he's bald, but someone painted red on his head to try to pass it off as hair. D: Try putting some more volume into it. For the hair that's supposed to be flowing from the back, try putting some gentle strokes of curves.
3. The shoulders look a little too steep. Push it up a little.

If you're going to use that picture as the cover, then I suggest thinking again, because it doesn't really depict anything to do with the story -- er, chapter.

Really, this chapter/story is all about killing, right? Well if you use that picture of Hunter smiling like he got free candy (or he's checking out a lady...), it will confuse the reader, which will make the story less enjoyable to read. (No one likes to be confused, unless you're the odd minority.)

... But that's just me. I'm a fanfic writer and an artist, so me picking on this sort of stuff is like second-nature, automatic.

[Hunter]

Yea.... I just drew the picture for some reason. It was just a little fun thing I pasted on the top.

Yea. I never got to editing. So that's why it's sloppy in some parts.

[karasu]

Yep. Okie dokie then.

[mayu]

GO FOR IT!